1 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,800 -Oh, my God! -What is he wearing? 2 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:37,520 Hi, Dad! 3 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:40,040 [GASPS] Nearly gave me a heart attack. Hello, bambinos. 4 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,480 Um, why are you dressed like that? 5 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,600 -Like what? -Like a sex attacker. 6 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:47,080 Oh, yeah, for my sex attacks. [CHUCKLES] 7 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:48,440 And what are those? 8 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:50,840 My old wellies. I just cut them down a bit. 9 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,680 Because...? 10 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,520 Yeah, I think there was a reason. Uh... 11 00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:57,320 Well, take a box. 12 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,680 -Really? -Come on. 13 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,840 Bone idle. 14 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,400 -What are you doing? -I'm doing a bonfire. 15 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,280 -A bonfire? -A bonfire? 16 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:07,880 -What are you burning? -Your mother. [CHUCKLES] 17 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:09,360 I'm not quite dead yet. 18 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,200 -Hi, boys. -Hi, Mum. 19 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,000 Just put them down over there. 20 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,440 No, not there. There. 21 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,600 No, there. 22 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:23,960 [MARTIN SIGHS] 23 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:32,080 You're welcome. 24 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:33,480 Dad looks nice. 25 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:35,800 Doesn't he? Martin, can you please not wear 26 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:37,720 your Little Miss Muffet boots in the house? 27 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:39,120 Yes, mein Fuhrer. 28 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,160 Ah! Can you please stop doing that? 29 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,280 And Jonny, can you please stop eating cream? 30 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:47,040 -What? -Right. I'm going outside. 31 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:49,640 Good idea. Try not to burn the house down. 32 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:52,640 -So what's he burning, then? -His old science magazines. 33 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:53,920 I thought he'd thrown them all away? 34 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,280 So did I, until I found him moving them back 35 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:57,920 into the attic at three in the morning. 36 00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,320 -Excellent. -It was excellent. 37 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:00,960 I made him sleep up there. 38 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,240 -So, excited? -About what? 39 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:06,920 -The wedding, silly. -What wedding? 40 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,200 -The wedding! -What wedding? 41 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:10,840 I can't believe you two. Neil's wedding. 42 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,000 -Neil...? -Oh, you mean boring Neil? 43 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,200 -He's not boring. -And ugly Karen. 44 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:16,520 Karen's not ugly. 45 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:18,960 -Mum, she's got a face like a foot. -Stop it. 46 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,600 She does. She definitely has a footface. 47 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,240 Well, maybe her face does look a bit like a foot, 48 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:24,960 -but still, she's a lovely girl. -For a foot. 49 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,520 "I now pronounce you man and foot." 50 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:28,760 "You may kiss the foot." 51 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,920 Do we have to go? No one's going to notice. 52 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:34,000 Shut up. It's Val's son. She's my best friend. You're going. 53 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,240 Why can't it be a funeral? At least it'd be over quickly. 54 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,040 Yeah, Neil and Karen's double funeral. 55 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,880 Very nice. And you wonder why you're both single. 56 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:42,560 Excuse me. I've got a girlfriend. 57 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:44,400 Hmm. That's never been proved. 58 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,000 Alison is coming on Sunday, isn't she? 59 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,320 -Hmm? -Don't tell me we have to wear a suit. 60 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:50,840 No, you go naked. 61 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,480 Cool. Wedding orgy. 62 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:55,200 Jonny, do me a favour, shut up and put the crumble in the oven. 63 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,280 Oh, Adam, can you look at this? 64 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,640 It's stuck on speaker phone the whole time. 65 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,560 -Is it? -Mmm, Dad dropped it in the loo. 66 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:02,680 [GROANS IN DISGUST] 67 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,160 [PHONE RINGING] 68 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,360 Um... Hello? 69 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:07,960 Hello, it's only Val. 70 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,360 Oh, Val, Val. 71 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,120 -Hi, Val. -Hello. 72 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,280 -It's Val. -BOTH: Hello, Aunty Val. 73 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:18,160 Hi, boys. Looking forward to meeting your girlfriend on Sunday, Jonny. 74 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,320 Right. 75 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,040 -Well? Well? -It's here! 76 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:22,680 Oh! And how does it look? 77 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,720 Well, you'll soon find out, 'cause I'm bringing it round. 78 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:25,840 Oh, Val! 79 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:27,600 -See you soon! -Bye! 80 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:30,200 -What's she bringing round? -Her dress. She's had it altered. 81 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:31,560 It's so exciting! 82 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:33,560 Ooh, I must get my camera. 83 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,120 There's fox shit everywhere. 84 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,600 Thank you, Martin. Val's popping round with her dress. 85 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,800 -What? -Val's bringing round her dress. 86 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,680 -Oh. -Aren't you excited? 87 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,840 Very. Uh, boys, can you help me with the fire? 88 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:45,560 [SIGHS] Do we have to? 89 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,240 Yes, I really need you. 90 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,480 All right. We'll get her arms, you get her legs. 91 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,600 Hmm. 92 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:55,720 It's not very big. 93 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,840 -What? -You said it was a bonfire. 94 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,120 Well, it is a bonfire. What did you expect? 95 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:01,960 Um, maybe a bonfire? 96 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,000 Yeah, where are all the flames and stuff? 97 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,600 -Right, so do we just... -Wait! Wait. 98 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,200 Okay. 99 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:12,360 What? 100 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,200 Come on. 101 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:16,800 And mind the fox shit. 102 00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:26,440 -What are we... -Put them there. 103 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:27,920 Not there. There! 104 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:30,200 [ADAM SIGHS] 105 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:33,880 MARTIN: Sit down. 106 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,000 Sorry, why are all your boxes in here? 107 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:37,320 And why aren't we burning all your stuff? 108 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,600 -What? -The magazines, 109 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:39,840 -why aren't we burning them? -Because I'm not 110 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,520 really burning anything. 111 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:42,800 -What? -Sorry? 112 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,000 What, you're just pretending to burn things? 113 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,440 -Correct. -You're having a pretend bonfire? 114 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,360 -Yes. -Because you've got a mental disorder? 115 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,880 No. Because Mum will think I'm burning all my things. 116 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,720 Right. But wouldn't it be better to actually burn all your things? 117 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:58,200 Don't be an idiot! I'm not burning all my old magazines. 118 00:04:58,240 --> 00:04:59,840 They're collectibles. 119 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:01,960 Um, they're really not. 120 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,600 You do know Mum will do a mental on you? 121 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:05,200 Well, you're not going to tell Mum, are you? 122 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:06,640 -Yeah, but what if she comes in here? -She won't. 123 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,200 -But what if she does? -Your mum hates it in here. 124 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:11,320 The last time she came in my shed was 9/11. 125 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,800 -9/11? -She was scared. 126 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:15,560 No, this way, I get your mum off my back 127 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,120 and I get to spend lots of lovely time in my lovely shed. 128 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,680 "Lovely"? 129 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,520 So I take a box from the garage, I do a bit of a walk through the house, 130 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:25,000 I pretend to dump it in the fire, then I come in here 131 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,120 and have a nice sit down. Lovely. [SIGHS] 132 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,720 -Shall we see what's on, then? -What? 133 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,520 -You've got a telly in here? -Shh! 134 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:37,800 -Beer? -[CHUCKLES] 135 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:41,120 Sorry, TV? Beer? 136 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:43,120 -When did our dad become cool? -What do you mean? 137 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,840 -I'll have a beer. -Yeah, all right. 138 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:47,440 So, what do you think, lads? Good plan? 139 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,240 -Yeah. It's a good plan. -A very good plan. 140 00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:50,920 -Cheers! -BOTH: Cheers! 141 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,280 [BOYS GRUNT] 142 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,320 Oh, yes. It's non-alcoholic lager. I bought the wrong one, so... 143 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:05,000 -So it's all happening out there? -What? 144 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,440 You got all your stuff out there? 145 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:07,840 Yeah, it's all happening out there. 146 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:09,720 -All your old newspapers? -Yep. 147 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,000 And all your horrible New Scientistmagazines? 148 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:15,160 Yep. All on the fire. All burning away out there. 149 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,440 Still got a lot more to do, though, haven't we? 150 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,480 -What? -No. Yes. Lots more to do. 151 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:24,400 No, don't worry, Jackie, it's all going to plan. 152 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:25,680 It's a good plan, isn't it, lads? 153 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:27,920 -A very good plan. -A very, very good plan. 154 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:31,080 Wow, well done. Here, have another bit of chicken. 155 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:34,160 Mmm. Actually, I'd rather have a lovely bit of squirrel! 156 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,440 [BOTH LAUGH] 157 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,000 [KISSING] 158 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,760 [GRUNTS] Oh, you bastard! 159 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,240 Yes! One-nil! 160 00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:41,480 Adam! 161 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,800 -Arsewipe. -Jonny! 162 00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:47,040 Oh, where is she? I can't wait much longer. 163 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,440 -For what? -The dress, of course. Val's dress! 164 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:50,920 And the bride's hat, which is a shoe. 165 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,080 And the veil, which is a sock. 166 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,360 So, she is coming on Sunday, isn't she? 167 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,960 -Who? -Alison. Your girlfriend. 168 00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,600 -You know, the one that doesn't exist. -Ha ha. 169 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:02,120 Sorry, no, she does exist. She just goes out with Simon. 170 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:03,920 -Shut up. -Yes, shut up, Adam. 171 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,760 -To the wedding, she is coming? -Of course. 172 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,200 She isn't coming. 173 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,520 Well, it's a shame you're not bringing a girl. 174 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,800 Yes, it is a shame, isn't it, Mum? No females? 175 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,040 -You know, you could have asked Tanya. -Mum! 176 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,920 What a good idea. Why don't you ask Tanya? 177 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,920 Why would I ask Tanya Green to come to a wedding 178 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,320 when I don't even know the girl? 179 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,360 She's meant to be very clever. She works for Coca-Cola. 180 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,160 -Ooh, Coca-Cola! -Oh, yes, please. 181 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,240 Um, what's Alison wearing for the wedding? 182 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,440 -I'm sure Mum would love to know. -[SIGHS] 183 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,240 -Bet he doesn't know. -Thank you. 184 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,440 -Well, what is she wearing? -Jesus. 185 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:35,520 Well? 186 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,440 -Well, it's a sort of... -Hmm? 187 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:40,920 -Sort of a... -[DOORBELL RINGS] 188 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,240 -I'll get it. -Good timing. 189 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,640 -Oh, it's Val. It's Val with the dress! -BOTH: Oh. 190 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,360 [SIGHS] Well, I'll go, then, shall I? 191 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:53,520 married in the morning 192 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,680 the bells are going to... 193 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:58,640 194 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,320 Oh, hi, Jim. No, I thought it was... 195 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,960 You're getting remarried? 196 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,280 No, not quite. 197 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,400 It's not Val, everyone. It's not Val! 198 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,400 One... 199 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,120 [GRUNTING] 200 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:24,160 There. That's a bit shiny. 201 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,000 Right. 202 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,200 So... 203 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:31,920 Yes, um, your scales. 204 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,360 Remember I borrowed your scales for my special diet? 205 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,520 Did you? Oh, yes! Great. Thanks. 206 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,840 Aw, how's Wilson? 207 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,720 Very naughty, actually, he's been very naughty this week. 208 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:44,280 Oh, dear. 209 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,480 Haven't you? Haven't you? 210 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,280 He did poos all in my bed. 211 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,320 Thanks for these, Jackie. 212 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,880 Oh, you're wel... 213 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:58,000 I lost three pounds in two weeks. 214 00:08:58,360 --> 00:08:59,440 Did you? 215 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:03,760 Um, I was 13 stone 2 and... 216 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:07,400 And... 217 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,960 And now I'm... 218 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,360 Ta-da! 219 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:14,720 Salad. Alfalfa. 220 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:16,560 Well. 221 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:19,760 Oh, Jim. 222 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:23,280 Wilson! 223 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,280 -These? -Hmm... 224 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,880 -These? -Um... 225 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,440 JACKIE: Are you going to be long? We've got crumble. 226 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:34,840 Are you going to be long? We've got crumble. 227 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,400 Are you going to be long? We've got crumble. 228 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,320 Oh, crumble! 229 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,000 Are they even going to fit? 230 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:42,560 Well, yes, if I curl my toesies up. 231 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,280 Uh, shouldn't you be looking for your dog? 232 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:47,360 -What? -These? 233 00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:52,680 To be honest, Martin, I prefer a softer leather. 234 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,560 [SIGHS] 235 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,720 Right. How about these ones? 236 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:03,640 [MUMBLING] 237 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:06,520 [GRUNTING] 238 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,920 Yeah, yeah, I'll take them. 239 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:14,480 -Are you sure you can walk in those? -Yes, absolutely, Jonny. 240 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:15,800 -Adam. -I'm Jonny. 241 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,520 Oh, yes. No, they're fine. Really. 242 00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,520 They fit me like a glove. Right. 243 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:25,920 No, they're fine. Wilson? 244 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,600 Has he gone? 245 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,920 -JIM: Wilson! -Uh, sort of. 246 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,760 Wilson? 247 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,720 Martin, can you get the ice cream from the outside freezer? 248 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,520 -What? -The ice... [SIGHS] 249 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,120 Help your dad with the freezer, will you? 250 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:41,600 He'd only fall in it or something. 251 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:42,920 Or we could just push him in. 252 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:48,400 What does she keep in here? 253 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,080 Dad, I think you should at least put some of this old crap on the fire. 254 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:52,760 Found it! 255 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:53,880 -[SCREAMS] -Jesus! 256 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,200 Shit, Dad! 257 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,080 Where did you get that? 258 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,240 -A joke shop. It's good, isn't it? -No. It's bloody horrible. 259 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,120 Yes, your mum hates it as well. 260 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,680 Sometimes I put it on just to annoy her. [CHUCKLES] 261 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,360 Actually... [LAUGHING] 262 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,280 [SIGHS] Dad. 263 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:12,640 Dad! 264 00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:13,880 Shush. 265 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:22,880 Hello, Jackie! 266 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:24,440 Ooh! [SCREAMS] 267 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,120 God, what's... 268 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:29,880 Um, hello, Val. 269 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,040 Here we are, Valerie. I'm so sorry, really. 270 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,360 Oh, it's all right, Martin. It's okay. 271 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,120 How did you get us two mixed up? 272 00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:42,760 What? 273 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,040 How did you get us mixed up? 274 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:47,320 Well, your hair. 275 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:48,400 What about our hair? 276 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:51,760 It's similar. 277 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,440 -Is it? -No, it's not. 278 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,080 All right then, similar bottoms. 279 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:56,800 Right. Thanks, Martin. 280 00:11:56,840 --> 00:12:00,640 Go outside and set fire to something. Preferably yourself. 281 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,280 [BOTH LAUGHING] 282 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,200 Oh, hello, boys, you looking forward to the wedding? 283 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:08,280 -Yes, Aunty Val. -Yes, Aunty Val. 284 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:09,640 Get off! 285 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,080 Oh, Karen's going to make a beautiful bride. 286 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:14,760 -Oh, she's such a beautiful girl. -Oh, yes. 287 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,560 Yeah, she has a beautiful face, doesn't she, Jonny? 288 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:21,400 Oh, yeah, beautiful foot... Face. 289 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:25,040 Val's going to try her dress on later. You're excited to see it, aren't you? 290 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,280 And I hear the famous Alison is coming on Sunday. 291 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,560 Famous for being invisible. 292 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:29,800 Mum, when are we going to have our crumble? 293 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,400 -Changing the subject. -Uh... 294 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,680 Actually, Aunty Val, I've got to be honest. She, um... 295 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,120 -She... -Can't come? 296 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:37,320 -She... -Can't come. 297 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,080 -Shut up. She... -Can't come? 298 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:40,600 -She can't come. -Can't come. 299 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,120 -Oh, what a surprise. -What do you mean, she can't come? 300 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,280 I'm going outside now, boys. 301 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:47,360 Yeah, very good, Martin. What do you mean she can't come? 302 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:48,480 Alison can't come. 303 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,360 -Alison can't orgasm? -Ha ha. 304 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:51,960 -Adam! -Who's had an orgasm? 305 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,160 -Alison. -Mmm. 306 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,440 So she can't come to the wedding? 307 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:57,080 No. She's got another wedding to go to. 308 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,000 -Really? Bit of a coincidence. -It's true. She's got a wedding. 309 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:02,600 Honestly, Val. I had no idea. Why didn't you tell Aunty ages ago? 310 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,200 I didn't know ages ago, did I? 311 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,840 What, you just found out about this emergency wedding? 312 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,400 Anyway, now Alison can't go, 313 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,480 why doesn't Adam invite Tanya Green instead? 314 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,280 -JACKIE: Oh, yeah! -Shut up! 315 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,880 Oh, no, you can if you want. She's a lovely girl. 316 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,040 You know she works for Coca-Cola? 317 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,320 Hmm, Coca-Cola. 318 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,040 Thank you, but I'm going outside to help Dad. 319 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,880 Oh, that reminds me, I've got to call Tanya's mum. 320 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:23,360 I told you Joan did all the alterations. 321 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,600 -Yeah, of course. -Oh. 322 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:28,080 You haven't got the number, have you? I've left my silly phone at home. 323 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:30,480 No, use ours. Adam, pass the address book. 324 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,640 Oh, I am so sorry, Val, I really had no idea. 325 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:37,200 Seriously, Jonny! 326 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,720 Actually, just call her for Val, would you? 327 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,040 Little slaves. 328 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:44,080 Do you know, I hate my sons. 329 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,600 -Here, Aunty Val. -Oh, it's on loudspeaker. 330 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,800 -Yeah, it's been down the loo. -GIRL: Hello? 331 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,960 -Hello, who's that? -It's Tanya. 332 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,520 Oh, hi, Tanya, it's Valerie Lewis here. Is your mother there? 333 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,040 Um, no, sorry, she's not here at the moment. 334 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,840 -Oh right, will you tell her I called? -Sure. 335 00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,080 Oh, hang on a minute. 336 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,800 -Tanya, it's Jackie Goodman here. -Oh, no. 337 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,600 -Do you remember me? -Um, hello, yes. 338 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:06,920 -Hi. -Mum! 339 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,560 [LAUGHING] 340 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,760 Um, I think your mum might have mentioned my son to you. 341 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,360 Adam? The musician? 342 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,120 -Failed musician. -Oh, yes. 343 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,200 Well, he just wondered what you were doing this Sunday? 344 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:19,800 -Mum! -Sunday? 345 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,120 Actually, Adam's right here at the moment 346 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,960 and he'd love to say hello. 347 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,840 Really? Um, okay. 348 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:29,800 -Go on. -You bloody... 349 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,280 Hello? 350 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,920 -Hello. -Hi. 351 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,800 -Um, is that Tanya? -Yes. 352 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:41,120 -Um, I'm Adam. -I know. 353 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:47,680 -This is a bit embarrassing, isn't it? -It is a bit. 354 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,200 So, um... 355 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,040 Can you just go away? 356 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,560 Ask her to the wedding! 357 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:55,960 I hear you work for Coca-Cola? 358 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,480 That's right. Yeah, I've been there for about three years now. 359 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,200 Four years. Wow. 360 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,640 -Three years. -Four years! 361 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:04,320 No. Three years. 362 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:07,240 Um, sorry, Tanya. Can you hold on for just one sec? 363 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:08,840 Piss off! 364 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,160 -So you've been there for three years? -Yes. 365 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:14,160 Cool. And do you drink a lot of Coca-Cola, then? 366 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,680 Just fuck off! 367 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:16,920 Are you okay? 368 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,320 What? No, no, I'm fine. 369 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,520 Look, your mum mentioned something about Sunday? 370 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,840 Sunday? Um... 371 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:27,360 -What... -You're not in the bathroom, are you? 372 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:31,280 The bathroom? No, I'm in the living room. 373 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,720 -Uh, what's that sound? -What sound? 374 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,640 -The toilet sound. -What toilet sound? 375 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:37,960 You're not, like, on the loo, are you? 376 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,720 [STRAINING] No, of course I'm not on the loo! 377 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:41,840 [FLUSHING] 378 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,160 -[DIALLING TONE] -Hello? Hello? 379 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,120 You bloody shit! 380 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,960 You shitting bloody shitting shit! 381 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,240 One-all? 382 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,600 [SIGHS] One-all. 383 00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,520 Well? Is she coming to the wedding? 384 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,520 Probably not. 385 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,120 I wish she'd hurry up and show us this stupid dress, 386 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:09,360 then we can just go. 387 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,240 -Um, Jonny. -What? 388 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:16,080 Um, Join the Dots Sex Book. 389 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:20,000 "101 naughty sex positions in easy-to-join dots." 390 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,800 Oh, my God. Where did he get that? 391 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,400 -He's filled half of these in! -Over half. 392 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:27,400 Our Dad's masturbatorium! 393 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,560 -What are you doing? -Nothing. 394 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,840 Leave my special crossword book alone. 395 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,440 Special crosswords? 396 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,680 -JACKIE: Martin? -Shit! Mum. 397 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:38,720 Mum! 398 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,560 -Hi, Mum. -Hi. 399 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:42,680 What are you doing? 400 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,440 -The bonfire. -The bonfire. 401 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:48,960 -In there? -Hello, Jackie. Oh, you look nice. 402 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,840 -[LAUGHS] Thank you, Martin. -Yeah, can I help you, my love? 403 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,720 Val's ready. Come and have a look at the dress. 404 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:56,920 -Great. -Yeah, what are we doing? 405 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,760 Ten minutes of pretend smiling. 406 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,320 -JACKIE: It's nice, isn't it? -Very nice. 407 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:03,560 Yeah, very nice. 408 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:04,720 Ooh, do you think so? 409 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,520 -Yeah, it's really nice. -It's lovely! 410 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,040 Mum, can we have the crumble now? 411 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:10,480 In a minute! 412 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,120 You don't think it's too... Oh, I don't know. 413 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:17,360 -Oh, no. It's not, is it, boys? -BOTH: No. 414 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,400 -Really? -BOTH: Really. 415 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,240 -Martin, do you like it? -What? 416 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:23,680 Do you like my dress? 417 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,880 Yes, it's much nicer than Jackie's one. 418 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,320 -Oh, thank you. -Yes, thank you. 419 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,560 Oh, Jackie. 420 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:32,920 I can't tell you how I feel at this minute. 421 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,120 JACKIE: Oh, love. 422 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,080 [CRYING] I just think it's all got... 423 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,000 It's all got a bit too much for me. 424 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:40,440 -Uh... -[SOBBING] 425 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,840 JACKIE: Boys, go and get the crumble out, would you? 426 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:44,520 And Martin, go and do your burning. 427 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:47,120 Oh, It's all right, Val. 428 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:49,200 -Sorry, it's so silly. -Oh... 429 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,880 Come on, let's get you changed. 430 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:55,360 Aww. 431 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:56,640 [LAUGHS] 432 00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:58,760 Silly. 433 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:00,240 Why's she crying? 434 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,840 Because she's very, very happy. 435 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,640 I'm very, very happy! 436 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:07,400 Emotions! 437 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:08,560 [DOORBELL RINGING] 438 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,000 JACKIE: [GROANING] Who's that? 439 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,280 One second, love, I won't be long. 440 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,400 And no one else has seen him? 441 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,600 No one. I've been looking everywhere for him. 442 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,120 I even looked in your bins. 443 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,320 Did you? Right. 444 00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,520 I'm very worried, Jackie. Very worried. 445 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:29,720 I'm sure he'll turn up, Jim. 446 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,080 But what if someone's raped him? 447 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,440 Um, he's a dog. 448 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:37,720 Well, exactly. 449 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,040 Have you tried calling him? 450 00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:47,760 Yes, it's no good. I've been shouting his name for hours. 451 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:51,040 [SOFTLY] Wilson! Wilson! 452 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,800 -You see? -Well, maybe I could try. 453 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,480 You can have a go, Jackie, but I promise you... 454 00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:58,600 Wilson! 455 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:03,360 [GASPS] Wilson! 456 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,240 Thank you, Jackie! 457 00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:09,520 Thank you! 458 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:11,920 Oh, good boy. [LAUGHS] 459 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,840 Thank you so much again, Jackie. 460 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,040 Do thank Martin for these. 461 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:23,400 I'm afraid they might need a bit of a polish. 462 00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:25,120 Thanks, Jim. 463 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:26,920 [SQUISHING] 464 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:29,640 -Oh, dear. -What? 465 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:36,280 I think someone's left me a little present. 466 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:39,960 Uh... 467 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,000 VAL: Oh, I don't know. 468 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,040 I think I found the whole thing just too overwhelming. 469 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:54,040 [LAUGHS] I know. 470 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:57,000 -Martin, can you hurry up, please? -What? 471 00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:58,720 Well, Val wants to go. 472 00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:00,320 -Where's she going? -Home. 473 00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:02,840 -What, a mental home? [LAUGHING] -Oh, thanks, Martin. 474 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:04,760 Put you in a mental home. 475 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,680 Where's the crumble? Boys? 476 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,080 Oh, they haven't been eating it already. 477 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:12,240 Oh, my bag! 478 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,520 -You greedy pigs! -Sorry, Mum. 479 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:15,640 -Sorry! -JACKIE: Oh! 480 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:19,040 -Oh, Dad! -Bleedin' bloody idiots! 481 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,200 -Dad! -Martin! 482 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:25,960 Oh. Look, all of you, just go outside, will you? [GROANS] 483 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,360 Stupid morons! 484 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,040 Bloody... 485 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,800 moron heads! 486 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:40,800 Lads? 487 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:42,960 [SIGHS] 488 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:47,040 -Children's lager? -Yeah, children's lager. 489 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,760 Really? Sure you won't stay for a nice bit of crumble? 490 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,480 -What, crimble crumble? -[BOTH LAUGHING] 491 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,400 No, I'd love to, but Larry's going to be here in a minute. 492 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,040 Oh, of course. Oh, one sec. 493 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,040 I'm sure my horrible boys will want to say goodbye. 494 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:05,640 Give that to me. Bastard! Get off! [LAUGHING] 495 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,160 What are they... 496 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,040 [ALL SIGH] 497 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:15,120 [DOOR OPENING] 498 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:17,800 -Shit! -Shit! 499 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,560 -Shit! -So, this is where you've all been 500 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:20,960 hanging out, then, is it? 501 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,440 -It's all right, Jackie. -All you men together... 502 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:27,160 -Drinking. -Well, not really drinking... 503 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,840 Wait a minute, what are all these boxes? Why... 504 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:32,920 You haven't got rid of any of them, have you? 505 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,240 You haven't burnt anything! 506 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:36,320 You've been... 507 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,160 -You've been lying to me. -Sorry? 508 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:45,040 Right, take all those boxes out and throw them in the bloody fire! 509 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,000 -But Jackie! -Now! 510 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:48,840 Jackie, I've got to go. 511 00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:52,800 Where's my... 512 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,440 In the fire. Go on. Like you said. In the fire! 513 00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,920 -But they're my magazines... -I'm not interested any more. 514 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,360 -In the fire! -Go on, Dad. You'd better. 515 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:03,920 -Yeah. -Oh, God! 516 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:07,160 Jackie? You seen my dress anywhere? 517 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,280 What? It was on the door. 518 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:10,840 VAL: It's not there. JACKIE: Isn't it? 519 00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,000 Wait, isn't that Aunty's... 520 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,040 -Oh, my God. -What? 521 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:21,040 Oh, shit! Shit on it! Shit on it! 522 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,880 Martin, have you seen Val's dress? 523 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:26,000 -What? -Do you know where my dress is? 524 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:27,760 Um, yes. 525 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:30,920 -Well? -Where is it? 526 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,920 Well, it's, um... 527 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,160 Uh, sort of... 528 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:37,800 in there. 529 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,960 [SCREAMING]